I have to share with you the most delicious chicken salad ever. Behold, I just now invented it, this very evening.

Stick three boneless, skinless chicken thighs in the broiler and meanwhile saute a good sized, finely chopped shallot in some butter, with some salt. Just before the shallot is nicely browned, add a bit of crushed garlic. Remove everything from the pan before the garlic burns. Then melt another, big pat of butter in your pan and toss in a handful of sliced raw almonds. Sprinkle some salt over them, stir them around to get them nice and buttery, and saute those bad boys for a just a couple minutes, until some of the almonds start turning brown. Remove the almonds to the same bowl as the shallots, and stir together.

When the chicken thighs are nicely browned (but not overcooked–how many times do I need to tell you?!), take them out and chop them up and add them to the shallots and buttered almonds. Lastly add some mayonnaise–not too much, nor too little, but just right–along with a splash or two of liquid smoke and bit of salt (your discretion), and mix it all up nice.

Those of you who are still eating bread would enjoy this chicken salad in what they used to call a “sandwich.” I devoured mine plain, straight from the bowl I made it in, and am now sipping a martini in my bathrobe and reminiscing about how utterly delicious it was.

I know what you’re thinking: “Why the hell didn’t he go on and add some finely chopped Applewood smoked bacon to this amazing recipe?” See, I thought of that, obviously, but in my wisdom I foresaw that even a small amount of bacon would obscure the deliciously subtle osmazome of the buttered/salted almonds and shallots. That stuff’s the shit, trust me.

Here’s something, though: Those of you who know my ‘mayo chauvenism’ may be surprised to learn that I am now allowing Whole Foods brand (365) — it is just as savory as Kraft Real Mayo, and it’s actually a little creamier, which I like. Yes!–it’s a whole new era of openness. You might call it “mayonnaise Glasnost.” If I ever catch you with that other, sickeningy sweet brand, “Hellman’s,” though, I’ll send in the tanks.

Here it is, the recipe you’ve been waiting for.

Lightly brown 1 finely chopped shallot in butter, then add one finely chopped garlic clove and saute a minute or two longer (without letting the garlic brown). At the secret, esoteric moment, add to your saucier pan about 3/4 C dry white wine, turn the heat up, and let the wine reduce. Meanwhile, chop up a box of mushrooms finely and saute them in butter in a separate pan, with some salt to help draw out the moisture. You’re going to want to reduce the mushrooms to delicious perfection, to add to the sauce at the very end.

When the wine has reduced nearly all the way (1/2 cm?), reduce the heat to low and stir 2 rounded tsp of Better-than-Bouillon chicken paste into the remaining wine and spoon in 1/2 can of creme fraiche. Use a rubber spatula to scrape the golden wine residue from the sides of the pan into the deliciously unfolding sauce. Slowly bring this to a simmer, while with your other hand you continue reducing the mushrooms to their delicious essence.

At about this point, stick 4 or 5 chicken thighs in the broiler (or on a grill, if you prefer). As the sauce is getting hot, chop a handful of curly parsley and either add it to the sauce or, if you want to be fancy, save it to sprinkle over the top of everything when you serve it. It pleases me to allow you certain freedoms, so this part is up to you.

When the mushrooms are reduced to little brown buttery wonderfulness, add them to the sauce and stir it together. You can take the sauce off the heat now. In the pan with the mushroom essence on the bottom, stir fry some rappini or asparagus, in a little olive oil and with a chopped garlic clove, to accompany the chicken. (The veggies will mingle on your plate with the extra sauce, which you will soon find is to die for.)

Don’t overcook the chicken! Ladle the mushroom cream sauce over the chicken, once it is on the plates, accompany it with the vegetables (and garnish with parsley, if you chose that path), and you’re done.

E. and I are increasingly of the opinion that the healthiest possible food is fatty sausage, esp. kielbasa. No joke. So on weekends I am now cooking up batches of bigos, or Polish “hunter’s stew,” and bringing it for my lunch during the week.

Here’s how you make it (totally easy): Chop up three slices of raw Niman Ranch applewood smoked bacon and put it in a big pot on low heat. Let the fat render, until you have a bunch of nice pork fat in the bottom. Turn up the heat and add 1/3 to a 1/2 of a finely sliced yellow onion and one finely chopped garlic clove. Let the onion get a little brown in the fat (but make sure the garlic doesn’t burn), and then add a half of a big jar of Polonia sauerkraut (the good stuff–fermented cabbage, not just soaked in vinegar) and enough water to just cover the ingredients. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat so it is just simmering. Add a lot of marjoram and crushed caraway seeds and a shitload (3 Tbs?) of paprika (if you can find smoked Spanish paprika, that is all the better), and about three teaspoonfulls of Better-Than-Boullion chicken boullion paste. Then chop up about 1 1/2 feet of kielbasa (I do half and half smoked and nonsmoked) and add it to the mix, and stir. Then just simmer the mixture, covered, for several hours … and maybe add some more paprika, and water as needed to keep the mixture just barely of a stew-ey consistency. Mmmmmmmm. Then stick in tupperware, in the fridge.

This, I shit you not, is just about the easiest, healthiest, and most tasty, lunch you can pack for yourself.

2009 is the year of paprika, especially smoked Spanish paprika–da bomb (as the kids say). You can get it at Whole Foods. Oh my god.

So, to make a killer, easy and delicious goulash, do the following: Finely chop a couple cloves of garlic and thinly slice about half a yellow onion (or a whole one, it doesn’t matter) and saute them in a pot with some salt and a Tbs or 2 of olive oil. Then add a sliced green pepper, or half a green pepper and half a red pepper. Stir those around for five minutes or so, until they are just getting brown on the edges, and then plop about four boneless, skinless chicken thighs in the pot and brown them on both sides but don’t let them cook all the way. Take them out and chop them up and replace. Add a small (8-oz) can of tomato sauce, a shitload of paprika (maybe 3 Tbsp–1 part smoked Spanish and 1 part Szeged Hungarian, is what I do, but whatever…), a Tbsp of Better-Than-Boullion chicken stock paste, and a little water. Also throw in a couple pinches of cayenne to give it some bite, but not too much. Salt as needed. Stir it all around and simmer just until thickened a bit and the chicken is cooked, and no longer. How many times do I need to tell you: Don’t let the goddamn chicken dry out!

Serve your goulash over mashed potatoes (or fake mashed potatoes, substituting the blessed cauliflower for those evil starch grenades beloved of the Irish). Mmmmmm.

In my eternal quest for the quintessence, I make certain astonishing discoveries. It is my duty to disclose them, for the benefit of mankind. My latest, which will appear in the forthcoming Volume 5 of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is

Crème Rouge Praecox (for steak): Broil or grill a steak, however you want to. Meanwhile, sauté a finely minced shallot in a pat of butter; add, oh, about 2 tsp of Better Than Boullion beef stock and a splashlet of liquid smoke, stir; add about ½ cup of red wine, reduce 2/3 or so; turn down to low heat and add about 3 tbsp of crème fraiche and stir until you have a nice pink sauce. Serve over the steak and whatever’s on the plate with the steak. Mmmmmmm … osmazome. (You could certainly add parsley to this, and/or garlic, if you wanted.)

Then, the next day, you can have

Minnesota Multiphasic Steak-and-Egg Salad: Hard boil a couple eggs and chop them up; mix the eggs with a hunk of leftover steak, also chopped up finely; moisten with Kraft Real Mayonnaise (very important—other brands of Mayo are too sweet and taste disgusting, but you already knew that), Worcestershire sauce, a splashlet of Liquid Smoke, salt, and freshly ground black pepper to taste.

Here’s some other mischief I’ve been up to the last couple weeks:

Scallops of Eternal Peril: Cook 3 or 4 slices of fatty, good-quality bacon (I like Niman Ranch Applewood Smoked bacon), remove from pan; pour off all but a tbsp or two of bacon fat and saute a finely minced shallot or two in it; after a minute add a cup or so of Trader Joe’s frozen green peas (straight from freezer) and stir-fry until done; coarsely chop the bacon and remove to a bowl with the peas/shallots; sauté about a pound of thawed Trader Joe’s frozen scallops in the same pan until they are lightly gold on each side; meanwhile in a separate saucepan mostly reduce about half a cup of white wine or vermouth and mix with crème fraiche and some grated parmesan, and add about a tbsp of homemade pesto to make a light green, mildly basil-ey sauce. Spoon the peas/bacon/shallot mixture over and among the scallops and spoon the sauce over the top. Holy shit.

Crab Cakes of Cthulhu (I got this one from Ctharen McCthinstry): Whisk together 1 egg white, 1 tsp salt, 1 tbsp flour, and 1/8 tsp cayenne or red pepper in a large bowl; stir in ¼ of a red pepper, minced, and some minced chives (optional); then mix in 1 lb canned crab meat (“Deluxe” or “Claw” doesn’t matter, but claw you might want to chop a bit first); form into smallish flattened balls (palm sized); heat about ¼ to 1/3 inch of peanut oil in a pan over high heat; once good and hot, place cakes gently in oil with a metal spatula and fry until golden brown on the bottom, turn carefully using the spatula with a metal spoon, cook til brown on the other side; remove from oil; serve hot with Marie Rose sauce (below).

Marie-Rose Sauce of the Mountains of Madness: about 2 parts Kraft Real mayo, 1 part catsup, and ½ part prepared horseradish. Adjust until perfect (should be not too catsupey, not too mayonnaisey, but just right).